The Funnest Way to Get Your Spouse to Change
Often the biggest obstacle for a person trying to improve his or her marital relationship is that the spouse seems unwilling to change. So how do you get your spouse to change? The bad news is that you can’t directly force your spouse to change. The good news is that there are things you can do to indirectly encourage positive change. And your spouse can do the same for you!
If your spouse seems unwilling to change, it doesn’t mean that he or she doesn’t want a better marriage. Almost everyone wants a better marriage, but we all resist change that is imposed upon us. The only person who can change your spouse is your spouse. We all make fundamental changes in our behavior only when we are ready and internally motivated. Lasting behavioral change can’t be coerced. It has to be our own choice. If someone tries to compel us to change by pointing out our faults, begging us, pressuring us, or trying to manipulate us, we become less willing to change, and the relationship suffers because of the conflict. If you have been approaching your relationship in a coercive way, the best thing you can do is to immediately back off and allow your spouse the time and freedom to change on his or her own terms.
Internalizing this understanding is critical for a fully functional marriage. You cannot change your spouse. There are things you can do to make it easier for him or her to change, but then you must accept, appreciate, and be satisfied with the changes your spouse chooses to make on his or her own timetable. You may be able to force some changes through intimidation or manipulation, but by doing so you will decrease the good will that your spouse feels for you, making any other desired changes even less likely.
Your spouse is responsible for his or her attitudes, behavior, and habits. You are not. Leave that responsibility with your spouse. Appreciate the good. Accept that this is an imperfect world and that everyone in it is imperfect also, but that’s no reason to despair. Accept that you can appreciate and enjoy your spouse without everything being done your way.
Criticism kills romance. It leaves your spouse feeling defensive and decreases good will. A much more effective motivator than criticism for improving spousal behavior is attraction.
For example, when a single man meets an available woman who is pretty, kind, fun and in other ways seems to be his ideal, he will go to great lengths to win her heart. Because of his attraction to her, he is motivated to spend the time and energy required to make her feel loved and cared for. Eventually, however, they may both get caught up in the business of life and make each other less of a priority. She may not tend to his needs as much as before. He may realize that she isn’t quite the picture of perfection that he had imagined. In any case, he is less motivated to go out of his way to meet her relationship needs.
Now let’s look at the relationship from her perspective. In the beginning she found him quite attractive. Why? Because he was meeting some of her important relationship needs. Because of her attraction to him, she was motivated to go to great lengths to please him. However, as he gradually became less diligent in meeting her needs, she felt less loved, less attracted to him, and less motivated to meet his needs. Their romance suffered as a result.
At this point in a relationship the husband and wife are usually both acutely aware of the need for change in each other. He blames her for the lack of romance, and she blames him. He suggests ways that she can change, and she nags him about things that he should do differently. This mutual criticism leaves each one feeling discouraged, resentful, and less attracted to the other, further reducing their motivation to make personal changes.
In order to rebuild the romance in your relationship you must reverse the process that caused it to decline, or repeat the process that created it in the first place. The greatest power you have over your marital relationship is your ability to change your own behavior. If you change your behavior in ways that make your spouse feel cared for, he or she will have more positive feelings toward you. These feelings will help your spouse develop the internal motivation needed to make genuine behavioral changes.
Building your relationship in this way is like courting all over again. What could be more fun than that?
